Grandparents, ADHD and Autism: The Other Adults at the School Gate
Same child, different eyes. Why grandparents often notice things others miss, why families sometimes disagree, and how understanding can bring everyone closer together.
The grandparents at the school gate
During my years as a teacher, there was something I saw almost every single school day.
Grandparents.
At the beginning of the day, there they were, delivering children to school, often juggling school bags, coats, water bottles and the occasional forgotten PE kit.
And at half past three, there they were again, waiting to collect them.
In some of my classes, a quarter or more of the children would regularly be dropped off or collected by grandparents.
Not because their parents weren't involved or interested, but because parents had jobs, responsibilities and bills to pay. Grandparents were helping to keep family life running.
And I wonder whether we really appreciate just how much those grandparents see.
They're there for the mornings when a child doesn't want to get dressed. The tears because the socks feel wrong. The forgotten homework. The child who was perfectly happy at breakfast but suddenly becomes distressed as the school gates come into view.
They're there again at the end of the day, when that same child might be exhausted, irritable, unusually quiet or desperate to tell somebody everything that happened.
Then come the afternoons together.
Snacks, games, homework, television, trips to the park, arguments about whose turn it is and sometimes an emotional explosion that seems to appear from absolutely nowhere.
Grandparents aren't just occasional visitors. For many children, they're a substantial part of everyday life.
And that means they often see things that parents and teachers don't.
But here's the interesting part.
Sometimes they see difficulties nobody else has noticed.
And sometimes they don't see the difficulties everybody else is talking about.
Both situations can cause confusion, worry and occasionally a fair bit of family friction.
Especially when ADHD, autism or other additional needs enter the conversation.
We didn't always have the words. But we certainly had the labels.
When I was growing up, we didn't have the same understanding of ADHD and autism that we have today.
Of course, these conditions didn't suddenly appear when somebody gave them a name. But understanding, recognition and attitudes were very different.
We had our own descriptions for children who didn't quite fit the mould.
Naughty.
Lazy.
Over-sensitive.
A daydreamer.
A handful.
Away with the fairies.
And yes, sometimes we called them weird.
We could spot the child who seemed different from fifty yards away.
The one who talked too much, never stopped moving, couldn't seem to follow instructions, struggled to make friends or always seemed to be in trouble.
We noticed the differences.
What we often didn't understand was what might be happening underneath them.
And I have to laugh a little, because looking back, I was probably even weirder than some of the children I thought were weird!
After more than 30 years working in education, much of that time supporting children with special educational needs, and eventually understanding my own ADHD later in life, I see things rather differently now.
I look back at children I taught, people I knew and experiences from my own childhood with questions I wouldn't necessarily have asked years ago.
How many children were misunderstood?
How many were trying desperately to fit in?
How many were labelled difficult when they were actually finding something difficult?
And how many of us grew into adults without understanding why some apparently ordinary parts of life seemed so much harder for us?
That doesn't mean every child who was energetic, sensitive or different had ADHD or autism.
But it does mean we should be open to questioning the explanations we were once given.
And now, many of us are grandparents.
Which gives us a rather wonderful opportunity to understand this generation of children a little differently.
Being a grandparent doesn't automatically mean being old-fashioned
First, can we get rid of one assumption?
Grandparents aren't all elderly people sitting in armchairs wondering what happened to the good old days.
Grandparents can be in their thirties, forties, fifties, sixties, seventies and beyond.
Some are still working full-time. Some are retired. Some are raising their grandchildren. Some are step-grandparents, while others provide regular care that families simply couldn't manage without.
And some grandparents know a great deal about ADHD, autism and additional needs.
Others are hearing terminology they don't understand, trying to make sense of changing attitudes and perhaps questioning what they were taught about bringing up children.
So is the difference in understanding a generational thing?
Partly, perhaps.
But I don't think it's quite that simple.
It's also about experience, expectations, access to information and what we were encouraged to believe about children's behaviour.
For some grandparents, being firm meant being a good parent.
Children were expected to listen, behave, show respect and do as they were told.
There was much less discussion about sensory differences, executive functioning, emotional regulation or the enormous effort some children put into simply managing an ordinary day.
That doesn't mean everything previous generations did was wrong.
But it does mean we have new knowledge that can help us respond differently.
We can keep the kindness, consistency and boundaries while letting go of explanations that may never have been accurate in the first place.
"But he's absolutely fine when he's with me."
Now, this is where things can get a little uncomfortable.
Imagine your daughter telling you that your grandson has been having enormous meltdowns at home.
She's exhausted.
School mornings are becoming impossible. Homework ends in tears. Bedtime takes hours.
But you've had your grandson all afternoon.
You've been to the park, played a game, had tea and watched television.
Not one meltdown.
So you say, quite genuinely:
"But he's absolutely fine when he's with me."
You probably mean it reassuringly.
But what might your daughter hear?
"He doesn't behave like that for me."
"Perhaps you're doing something wrong."
"Maybe you're making too much of it."
And suddenly, instead of feeling supported, she feels judged.
But here's something I learned through years of working with children.
Two adults can know the same child extremely well and see very different things.
Perhaps Grandma's house is quieter.
Perhaps there are fewer demands, more flexibility or more one-to-one attention.
Perhaps the child finds the predictable routine comforting.
Or perhaps the child is managing to hold everything together during the visit and struggles later.
There are many possible explanations.
One person's experience doesn't cancel out somebody else's.
So rather than saying, "Well, he's fine with me," try:
"That's interesting, because I haven't noticed it here. Tell me more about what happens at home. Perhaps we can work out what's different."
What a difference that small change in language can make.
But what if Grandma notices something Mum and Dad haven't?
Now let's turn the situation around.
Perhaps you're collecting your granddaughter from school several afternoons a week.
You've started noticing that she becomes unusually quiet as soon as she leaves the classroom.
Or your grandson seems to become very distressed whenever plans change.
Perhaps noisy places are becoming difficult. Maybe a child needs everything done in exactly the same order or becomes overwhelmed by things other children seem to manage.
You begin to wonder whether something more is going on.
But their parents haven't mentioned any concerns.
What should you do?
My advice would be simple.
Be curious before being certain.
Don't announce over Sunday lunch that you've decided their child has ADHD.
Don't compare them with another grandchild.
And please don't begin with, "There's definitely something wrong."
Instead, share what you've actually observed.
"I've noticed she seems completely exhausted after school. Does that happen at home too?"
"He's been finding changes to our plans really difficult lately. Have you noticed that?"
"She seems much happier when we go somewhere quiet. I wonder whether busy places are becoming a bit overwhelming?"
You're opening a conversation, not delivering a verdict.
The parents might already be worried.
They might be seeking advice privately.
They may see something quite different.
Or perhaps your observation gives them a useful piece of information they hadn't previously considered.
None of these observations proves that a child has ADHD, autism or another condition.
But patterns, carefully noticed and shared without judgement, can help adults understand what a child needs.
Noticing something different in your grandchild?
Perhaps you've noticed that certain situations seem difficult, but you can't quite explain why.
You don't need to jump to conclusions or start suggesting diagnoses.
Sometimes the most helpful first step is simply noticing patterns.
I've created a free Parent Pattern Snapshot to help families record what's happening, when difficulties arise, what seems to make things harder and what helps.
Grandparents can share their observations with parents, or complete it together if everyone is comfortable doing so.
It's about understanding your grandchild, not labelling them.
FREE DOWNLOAD - Get your free Parent Pattern Snapshot - a very useful tool
What if your son or daughter says their child has ADHD, but you don't believe it?
This deserves an honest conversation.
Some grandparents find it difficult to accept that their grandchild might have ADHD or autism.
Not necessarily because they don't care.
Sometimes it's because they recognise the same characteristics in their own children, or even themselves.
"He was exactly like that when he was little."
"Your dad never sat still either."
"Everybody gets distracted sometimes."
"We just got on with it."
And perhaps that's true.
But there's an important question worth asking.
Just because something was common or familiar in your family, does that mean it wasn't difficult?
Perhaps your own child did struggle.
Perhaps you struggled yourself.
Perhaps everyone just learned to cope, sometimes at considerable personal cost.
ADHD and autism can run in families, and increased understanding sometimes leads adults to recognise experiences they hadn't previously connected.
This isn't about looking back and diagnosing everybody around the Christmas dinner table.
It's about recognising that familiarity doesn't necessarily mean a child isn't experiencing genuine difficulties.
If your son or daughter tells you they're worried, listen.
You don't have to understand everything immediately.
You don't have to agree with every suggestion.
But you can say:
"I don't know very much about this yet. Can you help me understand what it means for her?"
That's a much better starting point than telling a parent they're making excuses.
Grandparents can be wonderful observers, but they can also need support
I think we sometimes forget this.
Imagine being a grandparent providing childcare three or four days a week.
You love your grandchildren enormously.
But perhaps one child finds leaving the house almost impossible.
Another struggles when the television is turned off.
Ordinary activities are becoming exhausting, and you don't understand why.
You might feel worried, frustrated or even guilty about finding things difficult.
And then somebody tells you that the child is neurodivergent.
There are suddenly new words, new explanations and different suggestions about how to respond.
What are you supposed to do with all that information?
Where do you begin?
I don't think grandparents should be expected to become instant experts.
But I do think they deserve clear explanations and practical help.
They need to know what to look for, what might be making things difficult and what can make everyday life easier.
And they should be able to ask questions without feeling they're being criticised for bringing children up differently years ago.
Understanding should work both ways.
Parents may need to explain what's helpful for their child.
Grandparents may need time to understand why some familiar approaches aren't working.
That doesn't have to become an argument.
Five questions grandparents can ask
You don't need to understand every diagnosis or every piece of SEND terminology.
These five questions are a useful place to begin.
1. "What does my grandchild find particularly difficult?"
Try to understand the situations behind the behaviour.
Is it noise, tiredness, changes in routine, waiting, social situations, demands or something else?
2. "What have you found helps?"
Parents often know which small adjustments make a difference.
Perhaps the child needs advance warning, time alone after school, movement breaks or fewer questions when they're overwhelmed.
3. "What should I do when things become difficult?"
Agree a consistent, supportive approach with the parents.
That might include staying calm, reducing demands temporarily, offering reassurance or giving the child space while keeping everyone safe.
4. "Is there anything you've noticed that I haven't?"
Different adults often see different parts of the picture.
Be willing to compare observations without trying to prove who is right.
5. "How can I make things easier for you?"
Sometimes the most useful thing you can offer isn't another opinion.
It might be collecting a child from school, preparing a meal, looking after siblings, helping to record observations or simply listening while a parent talks.
And if you're the grandparent who is providing most of the care, it's equally reasonable to explain what support you need.
What about the school?
This is something I feel particularly strongly about, given my years in teaching and as a SENCo.
When we're trying to understand why a child is struggling, it helps to build as complete a picture as possible.
Parents know things teachers don't.
Teachers see things parents may never witness.
And grandparents who spend significant amounts of time caring for a child might notice patterns neither has picked up.
For example, a grandparent who regularly collects a child might notice that they are particularly distressed after certain lessons or on particular days.
That observation could be useful.
It doesn't mean grandparents should automatically be involved in every school meeting or have access to confidential information.
Schools need to respect parental responsibility, family arrangements and confidentiality. Where grandparents are raising grandchildren, their legal responsibilities may be different.
But with appropriate agreement from parents or those with parental responsibility, grandparents' observations can contribute to understanding a child's needs.
I would encourage parents to share useful observations from regular carers when speaking to the class teacher or SENCo.
Not because grandparents know better.
But because every useful piece of information helps us see the whole child.
And sometimes the missing piece of the puzzle is something noticed on the journey home from school.
Children still need boundaries, but they also need understanding
I can almost hear somebody saying:
"Well, in my day, children weren't allowed to behave like that."
And I understand why.
But I would gently challenge what that tells us.
Some children learned to hide their distress.
Some became frightened of getting things wrong.
Some followed every instruction at school and fell apart at home.
And some genuinely benefited from structure and predictable expectations.
The point isn't that boundaries are wrong.
Children need boundaries. They need consistency, safety and adults they can rely on.
But they also need us to recognise when behaviour might be communicating distress, confusion, anxiety, sensory overload or difficulty managing a demand.
A child who is overwhelmed may not be able to respond to a lecture about good behaviour in that moment.
Sometimes what they need first is a calm adult who can help them feel safe enough to recover.
We can address the behaviour, teach skills and maintain appropriate expectations when they're ready to engage.
Understanding behaviour doesn't mean accepting everything. It means responding to the child in front of us rather than relying on assumptions about what children ought to be able to manage.
Understanding is one thing. Knowing what to do is another.
It's all very well being told to understand a child's ADHD, but what does that actually look like when your grandchild is overwhelmed, refusing to get ready, or struggling with everyday routines?
My ADHD Parent Playbook (£9.99) offers practical strategies to help families make sense of behaviour, support emotional regulation and reduce everyday conflict.
Although written primarily for parents, grandparents who regularly help care for a child with ADHD may find it useful too.
It's about finding approaches that work for the child, not simply expecting the child to work harder at coping.
Explore the ADHD Parent Playbook | £9.99
Perhaps we're learning about ourselves too
There is another part of this conversation that I find fascinating.
Sometimes, as grandparents begin learning about ADHD or autism in their grandchildren, they start recognising things about themselves.
The child who never sat still.
The teenager who couldn't organise anything.
The adult who has always struggled with time, noise, emotions or keeping track of everyday tasks.
The person who spent years feeling different without knowing why.
For some, it simply brings greater understanding of their experiences. For others, it prompts them to explore whether an assessment might be helpful.
I know from my own late understanding of ADHD how differently we can see our lives when we finally have language for experiences that once made little sense.
And perhaps that's one of the unexpected gifts of learning more about our grandchildren.
Sometimes understanding them helps us understand ourselves.
We don't need a perfect generation. We need a generation willing to listen.
I don't want grandparents to read this and feel that everything they knew about raising children has suddenly been declared wrong.
And I don't want parents to feel they have to defend every decision they make.
Both generations have experiences worth listening to.
Both can make mistakes.
Both can learn.
And both usually want the same thing.
For the child they love to be happy, understood and supported.
After all my years in education, I still believe one of the most powerful things an adult can say to a child is:
"I can see something is difficult for you. Help me understand."
And perhaps one of the most powerful things we can say to each other, as parents and grandparents, is:
"You're seeing something I'm not. Tell me about it."
Because a child doesn't need the adults around them competing to be right.
They need the adults around them working together to understand.
And if our grandchildren grow up feeling more understood than some of us did, well, I'd call that progress.
Even for those of us who were once considered a little bit weird.
Perhaps especially for us.
Want to understand your grandchild a little better?
If this article has made you think about your own childhood, your children or your grandchildren, perhaps it's raised a few questions too.
That's where ADHD in Practice can help.
I'm Not Weird, I'm Just Me | £14.99
Remember all those labels we used to give children who seemed different?
This guide is particularly close to my heart.
I'm Not Weird, I'm Just Me is a 100-page guide for families of children aged 6–8, helping adults better understand children whose needs may have been misunderstood or overlooked.
It's written for families who want to look beyond labels and begin understanding the child in front of them, whether or not a diagnosis has been made.
Explore I'm Not Weird, I'm Just Me | £14.99
Not sure where to begin?
Perhaps you're a grandparent who's noticed something concerning. Or perhaps you're a parent who wishes their own parents better understood what their child is experiencing.
You don't need to have everything worked out before asking for guidance.
I offer a free 15-minute introductory call for parents, grandparents and carers who want to explore what might be happening and what a sensible next step could look like.
Sometimes a conversation is a useful place to begin.
Find out more about a free introductory call
Because children don't need all the adults around them to know everything. They need us to be willing to learn together.
Let's talk about grandparents
Are you a grandparent who regularly looks after your grandchildren?
Have you noticed behaviours you don't quite understand? Or have your son, daughter or their partner described difficulties that you simply don't see when the children are with you?
Perhaps you're a parent who wishes your own parents understood your child's ADHD, autism or additional needs a little better.
I'd love to hear your experiences.
What is the one thing you wish the other generation understood?
This is the beginning of a new series from ADHD in Practice, exploring grandparents, neurodiversity and how families can support children together.
Janine M Nesbitt
ADHD in Practice | Former SENCo, ADHD and SEND Parent Support
