September went rather well, didn't it?
New blazer, new timetable, new pencil case. Your child even announced secondary school was “fine”. Lovely. We can all relax, then.
Except it's October. The PE kit has entered another dimension, homework is breeding overnight and the child who was apparently settling beautifully is now falling apart the minute they get home.
So what changed? Perhaps less than we think. The demands may have been there all along. It's the energy available to manage them that's changed.
“Fine at school.” Not fine at home.
I've known children who looked settled in lessons: polite, quiet, getting on with it. At home, their parents were seeing tears, anger, silence or a child who couldn't bear the thought of Monday morning.
Neither account was necessarily wrong. School saw the lesson. Home saw what happened afterwards. Two adults, two views of the same day. Neither had the whole picture.
For some children with ADHD or other SEND, keeping up with corridors, friendship groups, noise and instructions takes far more effort than anyone notices. Masking can make that effort harder to spot. Not every child masks, and not every difficult October is about ADHD. That's precisely why we need to ask, rather than assume.
The school day doesn't end at the gate
Imagine navigating six teachers, three staircase traffic jams, a packed dining hall and a homework app with the friendliness of an airport departure board. Then being asked, “How was school?” the second you walk in.
“Fine” may be the only answer your child has the energy to give.
Some need food, quiet and a little recovery before they can explain anything. If afternoons are becoming difficult, my after-school meltdowns guide explores what that collapse can be telling us.
Looking settled is not the same as finding school manageable. And looking exhausted at home doesn't mean a teacher has done something wrong.
Before we start pointing fingers
I've taught in busy classrooms. Thirty children, different needs, sometimes no teaching assistant and barely enough time to finish a cup of tea while it's still recognisably tea. Teachers can't see everything. Parents can't see the classroom. I certainly haven't always got every interpretation right.
What matters is what we do when the accounts don't match. “They're fine here” should be the beginning of a conversation, not the end of one. Nor should “they're awful at home” become a judgement on parenting.
Let's compare notes, not take sides.
One question worth asking this week
Don't begin with “How can we fix Year 7?” That's rather a lot to fit into a Tuesday afternoon.
Ask your child, when they're ready: “Which bit of the school day takes the most out of you?” Is it the noisy lunch hall, changing classrooms, finding friends at break, remembering equipment or getting through the last lesson?
Take that one specific difficulty to their form tutor or SENCo. Not a forty-seven-point improvement plan. One difficulty, one adjustment, one date to review it.
Something you can say to school
“I know [child's name] may look settled during lessons. At home we're seeing [one specific change]. They say [one particular part of the day] is hard. Could we compare what we're each noticing and try one practical adjustment for the next fortnight?”
If distress or attendance is getting worse, contact school promptly rather than waiting for the next routine review.
October isn't a verdict
Some children find their feet; others need different support. Some continue to hide their difficulties long after October. The “pretending” isn't usually deliberate. It's our habit of taking “quiet in class” as proof of “coping”.
It's to notice the cost of getting through the day before the cost becomes too high.
September may show us that a child can start Year 7. October can help us ask what they need to keep going.
A practical next step · Free resource
My free Year 7 Checklist helps you notice patterns and prepare for a more useful conversation with school. For wider guidance, visit the Year 7 Transition hub.
Still in the early weeks? Read Week Two Is the Easy Part first.
