School Says They’re Fine, But Home Is Falling Apart
School says they are fine!
A parent asked me recently what could they do when coming back from school it was becoming unbearable with tears and defiance in the bucket loads and no matter what they did it did not appear to be improving.
School said “We don’t see any concerns here.”
Few sentences leave parents feeling more confused than taht one — or more alone.
At school, your child appears to cope.
At home, they may be angry, overwhelmed, exhausted, tearful or unable to manage even simple demands.
It can feel as if school and home are describing two completely different children.
After 34 years in education, SEND and family support, I’ve learned this:
neither side is wrong — they’re just seeing different parts of the same child.
Why This Happens
Every child with ADHD is different — active, quiet, high‑achieving, struggling, or somewhere in between. But many share one thing:
Effort.
The effort of concentrating.
The effort of managing emotions.
The effort of navigating friendships.
The effort of meeting expectations.
The effort of fitting into a world that feels too loud, too fast, too much.
Some children become experts at hiding that effort — not to deceive adults, but simply to survive the day.
What School Often Doesn’t See
School sees your child during their most structured hours. They may see:
A polite child
A compliant child
A child who follows routines
A child achieving expected outcomes
What they don’t see is what happens after the bell:
The emotional crash
The exhaustion
The anxiety
The meltdown
The recovery period
This is restraint collapse — the moment the energy required to cope finally runs out.
Not a choice.
Not manipulation.
A nervous system overwhelmed.
Signs Your Child Is Struggling
You may notice:
After‑school meltdowns
Evening anxiety
Extreme tiredness
Homework battles
Difficulty with small changes
Big emotional reactions to small triggers
These behaviours are communication.
Children often don’t have the words — so their behaviour speaks first.
What Not to Say
Avoid phrases like:
“But your teacher says you’re fine.”
“You held it together all day — why not now?”
“You’re overreacting.”
“It’s only a small problem.”
These increase shame, not understanding.
What Helps Instead
Try:
“You look exhausted.”
“That seemed really hard today.”
“I’m listening.”
“Let’s figure this out together.”
“I wonder what made today feel so difficult?”
Connection regulates. Correction rarely does.
Talking to School
Parents see things schools cannot.
Schools see things parents cannot.
Both perspectives matter.
If you believe your child is struggling:
Share specific examples
Keep records
Note patterns
Save emails
Photograph relevant work
Document everything
Clear evidence is harder to dismiss.
Becoming Your Child’s Advocate
Advocacy isn’t confrontation.
It’s clarity.
Ask:
What support is being provided?
How will progress be measured?
When will it be reviewed?
Who is responsible?
Then pause.
Silence is powerful.
People fill it.
Follow every meeting with an email summarising:
What was discussed
What was agreed
Who is responsible
When it will be reviewed
A paper trail protects your child.
The Heart of It All
The goal isn’t to prove school wrong or parents right.
The goal is to understand the whole child, your child, the child that cries in the car, that gets triggered so easily.
Because behind many after‑school meltdowns and overwhelming evenings is a child who has been working harder than anyone realised.
Sometimes the most important question isn’t:
“Why are they behaving like this?”
But:
“What have they been carrying all day that no one else has seen?”
That question changes everything.
More information read -They are fine in school, let me lie down in a field!
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